Wednesday, May 27, 2009

A Yellow turned Gray Kind Of Day

Wednesday
I was having a yellow kind of day.  Positive outlook, cheery disposition, and a skip in my step.  It was so nice - and refreshing to feel so good.  No debbie downer attitude.  All smiles for me. 

One phone call changed my day.  I was reminded that there are stupid people.  The people that you cannot explain.  That I ran out of excuses for years ago.  The one that no matter how hard I've tried to get along with, this person just doesn't give a shit.

It got me down.  I bitched.  I yelled.  I cried. I hate crying.  It seems pointless to me, and yet I cried for so long. 

This reminded of a dream I had a couple nights ago:  I woke-up angry because I dreamt my Dad was mad at me for my behavior/attitude towards someone.  In my dream he didn't see both sides and avoided me because he didn't want to deal with it again.  He was disappointed.  

I was angry with him when I woke-up because I thought by now he'd get it - why I've been the way I've been for so long.  Why I distanced myself at times.  And I thought by now, in  Heaven, he'd know both sides of the stories and maybe realize that I wasn't always wrong.  That maybe he'd see that more often than not, I was the bigger person - not for myself, and sure as heck not for the other person, but rather for my Dad because I loved him and hated to see him upset. 

If you've followed my blog for long and have read some of my posts about my Dad, you know that I carry a lot of guilt.  Some of it I'm not sure I could have changed or even that it was my fault.  But, I wasn't perfect.  I disappointed him too often.  Not sure when or if I'll ever let it go. 

My yellow-kind of day turned gray and foggy after I was reminded of the stupidness in the world.  The non-sense kind of drama.  And the hurt some inflict on others. I was reminded that some people truly don't give a shit, they are selfish, and that at the end of the day I'll never see eye to eye with them. 

I'm hoping for better dreams tonight. 

3 comments:

Mrs R said...

I hate stupid people and I hate drama. Sometimes it can be very hard to avoid though. Keep your head up and keep smiling!!! *hugs*

Bridget said...

Chrisina, I hate that this person seems to always do their best to be rude and nasty to you.

I have a feeling that even though you and your Dad disagreed, that you never disapointed him. If anything he realized that you are so much like him which is why you guys sometimes didnt see eye to eye.

Dawn said...

ChristiAna -

Stupid people suck. Ignorant people suck. And some people just suck because they suck.

But we love you.

And your dad was proud of you. And still is.