Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Keep on Truckn'

Today I cleaned my house. It needed it. Apparently when I was drunk I ransacked my house or a tornado hit but I didn't know it! Well, in cleaning and sorting through things I had to face all of the funeral "memorablia." Amanda, you know what I'm talking about. So many people sent such beautiful keepsakes and each are very special to me. But, I have a relatively small house - and no room for all of it. Seriously, if it's all out my house looks like a funeral home! It was just too depressing to look at it anymore. So for now, until I can find it all a more permanent home on display in my house, most of it is packed away in a closet.

Saturday night, in my drunkeness, I got way too emotional. This was a family wedding. The side where we have lost 2 family members and 1 extended family member in the last year. We all said we'd try to stay happy for this special occasion. Good plan until I started drinking those damn rainbow trouts (blue UV and 180). Then, after like 2 I started getting a bit sad over my dad and totally bummed that he wasn't there... like he was supposed to be. I made a decision without really knowing it to drink to forget him for the night. I was foolish. I got incredibly too drunk. Even worse, no matter how much I drank, I couldn't forget my dad for the night. In fact, I thought of him more and how I wish I could beg him for forgiveness for all of my short comings.

During the days that have passed since my big drunken stuper, I have realized that I need to let go a little. I can't continue to live the way I have been living. I have been putting on my good face while inside I am completely desolate and forlorn. I have to continue to live my life. I will absolutely never forget my father. He was an amazing man that taught me so many lessons in life that I could never forget. And although I long to sit in his semi at Con-Way where I think I could find his smell, I feel like I am getting a nudge from Heaven to keep on truckn'.


Dawn said...

I don't know what to say, but I think you said it all. I think your dad is nudging you along.

We can all truck along together.

Kimmylyn said...

Oh honey.. I wish I could hug you.. I am sending you hugs ..I can't imagine how hard it is..