Thursday, September 18, 2008

Up thinking...

I'm up thinking and looking at my stupid computer screen talking to the picture of my dad in his CCX jacket on the right panel. I like that picture... it was my Dad... how he typically looked... and how he typically smelled, if pictures came with scent. I miss his smell. I can't put a finger on what it was - maybe a mixture of Skoal and a semi - I don't know. But, it was my Dad. I can't find that exact smell anywhere. I've searched high and low - even have his last chew can... and that's not the right smell.


In the first couple months that passed after Dad's terrible accident, I begged him to come to me in a dream. But, he didn't. Everyone said he would come to my dreams with time. I imagined these dreams to be magical, heaven-like. Well, a couple weeks or so ago I started dreaming about my Dad. Not to much surprise to me, he hasn't changed... in my dreams he is just like he used to be: debatable, argumentative, and questioning my every decision. That was Dad. Although I can never remember all of the details in my dreams with Dad, I always wake-up feeling like I saw, heard, and smelled him. I'd give anything to have these disagreements with him in real life. I miss arguing with him... I know that sounds weird... and I don't mean it in a bad way at all... just how we were - but no matter what, we always knew we'd love each other the next day. :-)


So, I'm sitting here... still talking Dad... now sobbing and getting muscle spasms in my back and my right eye is twitching from being so upset. I miss him so much. Words cannot describe the emptiness I feel in the void of my soul that was left when Dad passed away.

3 comments:

MOMMALISA said...

I feel for your sorrow! I had a "moment" the other day when I saw the pics of the wedding. I met your Dad the first time at DeeAdria & Allen`s wedding. Whew,the memories almost hurt. Take Care

Dawn said...

I'm all teared up now. Your dad is always with you. He's in you. He's in Calvin. And now he's in your dreams.

Amanda M said...

I can totally relate. It is so hard to want them here, but to face the reality that they aren't(physically anyway). I am still waiting on my dream to come. Other people keep telling me about the dreams they have about my mom, and it kinda makes me mad. I guess my time will come.