Thursday, August 7, 2008

Late Night Blues

I stayed up late to work on my final web design project due by Friday night. I did make some headway. Billi, I'll email you the link when it's finished so you can see what I did with your site. :-)

As I was coming to a good stopping place in my project, I saw the photo book I ordered. It came yeterday. It is filled wth pictures of Dad... 60-some pages!

I did okay in the beginning. And then somewhere towards the end of the photo book, it hit me: I'M NEVER GOING TO SEE HIM OR HEAR HIS VOICE AGAIN.

I'm sobbing. It's 12:44 a.m. and I'm the only one awake in our house. Nobody to see me crying. Nobody for me to put my smile on for. And nobody to hug me... which seems to be the best time for me to cry.

Calvin and his Papa Doug at the fair last year.

This week has been very overwhelming. It's finals week and I am a couple projects behind in my web design course. I'm getting an A, now - if I don't get it all turned in, I won't get the A that I want. Also, the county fair started on Sunday. The fair was a big deal to Dad. When I was younger and the only one in our family in 4-H, Dad would drop me off at the fair in the morning so I could take care of my pigs and then when he got off work he'd come back to pick me up. He'd take off to watch me show my pigs and always had great advice. Some of the most interesting advice he gave me during fair time was when I was getting ready for the 4-H auction. He told me that the buyers weren't actually bidding on the pig; they were really bidding on how I presented myself and my pig. He felt it was important to dress nicely and have my hair and make-up done for the auction.

Since my days in 4-H, my brothers Joe and Levi and my sister, Tiffany have been in 4-H. A few years ago, Dad and Denise decided to start camping at the fair like many other 4-H families. Dad even took the week off to hang out with the family, neighbors, and friends! It was a great time had by all! This year, Tiffany is the only one in 4-H. Denise decided that it was important to still take the camper out to the fair for the week. I know this week must be so hard for Denise. I am comforted by knowing she has a brother and sisters and parents there to keep her going. I admire Denise's strength.

Last year, the fair was really special. Calvin was the perfect age to enjoy all of the 4-H animals and idolize dad... right down to his boots. :-) It was also very special because at last year's 4-H auction, Chris asked Dad for my hand in marriage. Chris said that he's never seen Dad smile so big.

Calvin remembers the last year's fair. I've heard about it all week... how Papa Doug took him to pet goats and sheep and how he wore boots like Papa Doug's. Infact, as we pulled into the fairgrounds, Calvin started talking about Dad. I think it's very important to talk about Dad on a daily basis. I don't want Calvin to ever forget his Papa Doug that loved him more than words can describe. I don't want to start forgetting things about Dad, either.

Tonight, I must be going through a sad part of the grieving process. I am not so angry tonight. I am just deeply missing my father. I'm so confused on why it had to be my dad that the other driver hit. Why my dad isn't hear to enjoy the fair this week. Why Calvin's Grandpa Doug won't be at his 3rd birthday party this weekend.

I stay up late most nights. I know you're so busy watching over everyone else during the day. So, I stay up late waiting for you to come see me. I don't know if you're here or not. If you are, could you please give me a sign? A sign to let me know that you're here and a sign to let me know that you forgive me. Dad, I am so sorry for all of the grief I gave you in life. I am so sorry for all of the times I disappointed you. I am sorry for everything. I am certain Lisa A. passed this message onto you.
I promise that a day in my life has never gone by without me thinking of you. I love, respect, and admire you. Now, I miss you so much. My heart is still aching and the Dr. said there's no medicine to mend a broken heart.
Also, I ask you to please visit Calvin from time to time... even if it's in his dreams. He hasn't spoken of seeing you lately. That troubles me. Please help me to keep your memory alive in him.
Sweet dreams.



Anonymous said...

Just lettin' you know, you're still in my prayers!!

Dawn said...

Oh girl, you got me bawling. I'm here for you, whenever you need me.