Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Thinking about Dad...

The last few days have been the absolute worst days of my life so far. I have shed so many tears... then I run out of tears for awhile...

I go from complete sadness to confusion to anger to sadness again. I am so tired and just want to sleep. Each time, before I close my eyes, I pray that My Dad will come to me in my dreams. He has not, yet. But I know that he will... some night when I'm far away in dream land.

I do not understand why this happened to My Dad. Why My Dad? At the same time, I do not wish this pain upon anyone else. But, I wish My Dad was still here. I would give anything to hear his voice again... other than his greeting on his voicemail which I can't seem to get enough of. I wish I could hear him call just one more time to ask what Calvin was doing... and to talk to Calvin... because that was afterall the reason he called. The love he had for Calvin was overwhelming. He couldn't get enough of his grandson. And Calvin reciprocated that love back to Dad. He thought his Grandpa was the coolest thing ever!

Over the last few days I've thought about my dad continuously. I know I am fortunate to have had so many years with him - especially in comparison to my sister who is only 15 years old. I know I am lucky that My Dad was at my wedding and proudly walked me down the aisle. It is comforting to know that I gave my dad one of the greatest joys in his life when I gave him his first grandchild. However, I can't stop thinking about how much of dad we are going to miss out on. I mean, he won't be at the things he was supposed to be at like: Calvin's 1st t-ball game, whe we announce that we are expecting future children, when my brother Levi and sister Tiffany graduate high school, when we buy our first house, my brothers' and sister's weddings, retirement with his wife, Denise, and so many other life events that before Friday I took for granted. That's the thing about my dad: He was always there. He was a rock in my life - a constant. I never ever considered losing my dad or what life would be like without him. It was unimaginable.

Now he is gone... and I am living this nightmare.

I know today is Tuesday... wait, it's Wednesday. And I know my dad died Friday morning. But, it seems like it was just yesterday. The weekend, visitation, and funeral are like a blur to me. There are moments I will always remember like seeing my dad at the hospital, hugging the man that hit my dad when he walked through the visitation line, walking arm in arm with my dad's best friend when he said his final goodbyes to Dad, and begging my dad for forgiveness just minutes before they closed the casket.

I know that I did so many things in life to make My Dad proud. Since the accident, so many people have told me stories of how proud My Dad was of me. For all of my faults and all of the let downs I gave him... I hope he forgave me. Maybe I need to forgive myself for all of the wrongs I did to My Dad. I suspect, that will take some time.

My Dad was and always will be very special to me. I was a surprise that came 9 months after Prom Night. In the beginning, he may not have raised me by the book. But, he did his best. And, I have some of the fondest memories of My Dad from when I was very young. When he had me, he took me everywhere. There were no boundaries. It was the 80's and things were different back then... it wasn't frowned upon when he brought me with him to The Dew Drop in T-Town when he was meeting up with his buddies for a drink. Those were some fun times. My Dad taught me so many things like how to drive, how to work hard, how to give back to others, how to be strong, and how to be a good parent.

My Dad always had the highest expectations of me. I never felt like I could achieve all of the dreams he had for me - because as I met one goal, he set the bar a little higher for me. He taught me how to have determination to get whatever you want from life. He taught me to never settle for failure. When I first had Calvin and I was alone, I tried to model My Dad's hard work ethics - to be able to provide for Calvin and myself - on my own.

Friday evening I was asked about writing something special about My Dad and reading it at the visitation. Although so many perfect words and phrases passed through my mind, I could not put them on paper. Sunday morning I started looking online for something to get me started. Instead, I found the perfect poem. I have no idea what website I was on or even the original author. I apologize for that. Sunday night at Dad's visitation with one of my bestfriends, Dawn, at my side - just incase I couldn't finish... I mustered up the strength to read this to a church full of people: many images come to mind
whenever I speak your name;
It seems without you in my life
things will never been the same.

What happened to those lazy days
when I was just a child;
When my life was consumed in you
in your love, and in your smile.

What happened to all those times
when I always looked to you;
No matter what happened in my life
you could make my gray skies blue.

Dad, some times I hear your voice
and turn to see your face;
Yet in my seems
the sound has been erased.

Dad, who will I turn to for answers
when life does not make sense;
Who will be there to hold me close
when the pieces just don't fit.

Oh, Dad, if I could turn back time
and once more hear your voice;
I'd tell you that out of all the dads
you would still be my choice.

Please always know I love you
and no one can take your place;
Years may come and go
but your memory will never be erased.

Today, Jesus, as You are listening
in your home above;
Would you go and find my daddy
and give him all my love.

Thank-you to everyone's thoughts and prayers. I truly appreciate all of them! I have such wonderful friends here... and in blogger land! My dad, Doug Goeckner, was an exceptional man - one that so many people loved. That was proven Sunday at the visitation as I stood there hugging person after person that came through the line for over six hours. He touched so many lives and I believe his presence on Earth made a difference in the world and left a lasting impression on so many lives.


jess said...

What a wonderful poem and tribute to your father. Even though I don't know your pain, my heart hurts for you. You continue to be in my daily prayers! God Bless you and your family.

Aubrey said...

My thoughts continue to be with you. Stay Strong.

Candy said...

I might suggest you make a journal for Calvin that you talk about the things your dad has taught you, all the special things they shared and the hopes/dreams your dad had wanted for Calvin, include memories of you and your dad. Things are fresh in your mind now due to the sudden tradegy and in years to come, the memories may fade but you will have them on paper and what an awesome gift to give to Calvin when he can truly appreciate the information. Candy

Dawn said...

Girl, you got me crying now...
Beautifully written. Very moving.

Kimmylyn said...

This was beautiful. Painful I am sure for you, but beautiful.

Continued prayers to you and your family Christina.

Dawn said...

Wow! Love Candy's suggestion.

Amanda M said...

I like Candy's suggestion too. I have started doing this for Nick. It not only will be a great gift to him, but it has helped me deal with what is to come with my mom. Stay strong. It sounds to me that your dad definatley lives inside you!

OrdnerFam3 said...

Like I've told you before, there are never any words to completely comfort you but please know that we are there for you throughout your heartache. I wish there was more we could do for you! Hang in there.